


Phoenix

by Mother_North



Series: Misc. [1]
Category: Figure Skating RPF, Sports RPF
Genre: 2018-2019 Season, Angst, COR 2018, Denial of Feelings, Drama, Dreams and Nightmares, Feelings, M/M, Origin costume references, Post-Relationship, Psychology, Visions in dreams, mention of injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-09-06 08:59:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16829344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mother_North/pseuds/Mother_North
Summary: —	What a fucking looney…You are absolutely out of your mind, Yuzu!—	But you’ve fallen in love with me exactly for this very reason, haven’t you?**Timeline: COR 2018.





	Phoenix

**Author's Note:**

> Get well soon, Yuzuru.  
> Missing you terribly.
> 
> RPF disclaimer: this is a work of fiction and it is not meant to offend anyone. It is a product of author’s imagination only. All thoughts, actions and emotions described have nothing to do with reality.

**

There is only one word beating in his temples endlessly: _why why why_ — cruelly and unceasingly, making it hard to breath. A mountain of his own and other’s expectations is crushing down his chest; the most important thing is for this massive stone not to turn into a _gravestone_ one day. A tendency to bury oneself prematurely is seen as a display of weakness to Yuzuru’s eyes. He is above it; he needs to be perfect. He is pursuing ideal to no end, forgetting about caution. It seems to him that there is a pair of wings behind his back and that the _ice kami_ are willing to forgive him everything — even a godlike status and adoration of thousands of devoted fans, who litter the ice surface with hundreds of yellow-red teddy-bears in an act of peculiar kind of “sacrifice.” Yuzuru keeps on telling himself that he wants to repay them in earnest, that the major force that is making him moving forward is his love for them and that it has nothing to do with the actual passion for the cold and lifeless ice itself. But ice gives him unparalleled freedom, soaring of body and soul — in each movement, in each scar his sharp blades make on pristine white surface. Yuzuru thinks that there are some hidden scars in soul of his own as well. Behind a porcelain facade and a dazzling smile of the _Pride of Nation,_ behind an image of a strong-willed _samurai_ there is a living, sensitive and vulnerable heart. He knows what real pain and real pay for true beauty and perfection are. He can’t desire less, for it is an integral part of who he is. If only someone had told to a constantly dreaming little dark-haired boy that it would be so devastatingly lonely at the top..?

_\- Should I better leave?_

_\- There’s no choice for us… no other option..._

_\- No, no…Wait…No choice for us or no choice **for you** , Yuzu?_

_\- I can’t, just can’t…There’s no other way for me…I am sorry…_

_\- You just don’t want to even give it a try, Yuzu…just don’t fucking want to…_

He was flying up high only yesterday to ultimately crash down cruelly on the following day. He would like to soar for the rest of eternity but it is impossible. Yumi-san is looking at her son with a burning pride in her dark eyes (that are so like his own obsidian ones). Yuzuru wants to bury his face at the crook of her neck and hear some of much needed words whispered somewhere into his mop of black hair: “ _You can do it, my dearest boy._ ” Yuzuru doesn’t let a single muscle flinch as he walks purposefully, exuding confidence. He doesn’t feel an ounce of pain in his numb ankle. His sense of fear is just as numb right now; it has miraculously given way to a scorching rage and maddening desire of giving his all, once on the ice. He’ll perform tonight no matter what, challenging his body and defying its weaknesses.

He is high on adrenaline and the power of his will is astounding, letting him do the unfathomable — to land three quads in a free skate on a sprained ankle; the space around him is brimming with energy, polarized by his presence and there is a deafening uproar among thousands of spectators who are to witness his hard-fought triumph (although it leaves a bitter aftertaste in his mouth). He won’t forget this moment even if ideal has slipped through his delicate lace-clad fingers once again. His grasp will remain steely and there is an adamant-like determination inside of him just as ever.

Silence of a hotel suite is wrapping him up; he is on his own now, finally left alone after rounds of interviews and a journey back from the “Megasport” arena. Yumi-san kisses him on the forehead without uttering a word. He thinks that the day seems positively endless, hours dragging without end between the ill-fated fall, the agony of decision making, the climax of performance and the victory claimed against all odds and despite all of the adversity. He doesn’t like to be seen in such a state — an injured bird with wings hanging behind uselessly. He swears to himself that it is only for a time being. A flash-like thought lights up his mind that he is longing to be on the ice again with a terrifying force, each fiber of his being aching to skate again.

\- _What a fucking looney…You are absolutely out of your mind, Yuzu!_

_\- But you’ve fallen in love with me exactly for this very reason, haven’t you?_

His laughter is muffled at the other end of the line and Yuzuru is dying to see that bitter-sweet smile of his. He can easily imagine it finding way to his lips, his cheeks flushed and brown eyes sparkling agitatedly; it hurts that he is in Spain — it reminds Yuzuru of the gaping void somewhere where his heart has once been. He wants to bury his long fingers in his curly hair and pull it hard so that he would yelp in pain, surprised with a sudden onslaught of dominance. He would assault that mouth over and over again, he would let himself be hurt and would inflict pain in return. He deems himself deserving of a proper punishment — for those strong hands and avid lips to take him apart; being _torn_ _from the inside_ with the scorching pulsation of powerful thrusts, a shattering climax coming in waves of blinding pleasure, him sinking further down, hitting the rock bottom, coming undone beautifully…

_\- Are you still listening to me, Yuzu? Do you want me to come? As soon as I am done with the show in here… Canada or Japan —_ _I don’t give a damn…You just have to say a word and…_

His pale long fingers are squeezing the mobile phone with a white-knuckling force. He is shaking his head as if his gesture can be somehow perceived. There is an abyss between a _yes_ and a _no_ and he can’t find it in him to make it to the other side. He inhales shakily before whispering quietly:

_\- I’ll be fine, Javi…Thank you for your concern and for everything…I am OK. There is no need in worrying about me…I’ll message you as soon as I land. I am glad to know that your show is so big in Spain. Take care and thank you once again! Bye!_

Words are threatening to choke him as his throat is constricting painfully. He is struggling to make his voice calm, though he feels like he is about to crumble any moment now. He can’t bear to hear a word more from Javier and so he just hangs up, fearing his own reaction and a sense of emptiness that plagues his heaving chest. He has conquered weakness once again, he has made yet another sacrifice, he hasn’t let his feelings overcome his senses — what has been buried in their shared past should remain there forever.

His dreams are uncharacteristically vivid that night and _the darkness_ in them seems tangible, aiming to engulf him without a remnant…Suffocating and making it hard to move — unseen tentacles sliding over his leaden limbs. Sweat is pouring down his back and he is shivering. He wants to open his eyes but he _can’t_ , instead he just _feels_ more than actually sees as black and gold lacy feathers are piercing his thin skin, growing in number steadily, their uncanny aureate glow fighting the surrounding deadly gloom; raging flame in his veins is singing, his whole being simmering with unexplainable strength…

In the darkest of hours he will become his own source of light; 

He’ll rise from the ashes as strong as ever— _Reborn_ ;

For he is — _Phoenix_ ;

One of a kind.

**


End file.
